you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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