he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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