Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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