ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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