Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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