i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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