apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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