Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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