life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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