True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
