Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Did I show you my penis last night?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
