dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
