I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We had to coat check the pizza.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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