and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
