I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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