Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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