I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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