Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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