Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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