the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
