just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
