OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
