I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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