we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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