Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
