you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
