i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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