I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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