Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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