I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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