Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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