We're facebook friends in real life
i dont even know how to be here
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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