I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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