I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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