I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
