my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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