So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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