I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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