I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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