Apparently you make a good broom.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
