Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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