im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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