im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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