It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize