He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
