How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
