I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
