i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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