Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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