that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
it was like eating out sand paper
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
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You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
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You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.