I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down