so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
