This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
