my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
