One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
