now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
