If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
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he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
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It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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